Ted sat with Angela in his car in
front of her apartment building. The rain pelted down on Ted’s tiny sedan,
which idled on the street, double-parked.
Angela
leaned over. “Thanks for dinner and the ride home.”
Ted
shrugged and stared straight ahead. “What was I going to do? Pay for dinner and
leave you at the restaurant?”
“Ha
ha. I was just thanking you.”
Ted
heard his mother’s voice: If you can’t
say anything nice, just fake it.
“You’re
welcome. Have a good night, Angie.”
Angela
stared at Ted. “Aren’t you gonna to walk me to the door?”
“It’s
raining.”
“And
I don’t have an umbrella.” Angela adjusted the neckline of her dress. “I’m just
glad it didn’t rain before we got to Benihana’s.”
Oh,
Jesus-Good-Lord-Almighty Benihana’s. Jimmy, Ted’s coworker, had recommended
Benihana’s, which was a Japanese style tepanyaki chain restaurant. Ted had no
idea why he took dining suggestions from a man who was known for eating ketchup
packets, but the last time Ted went out on a date, he took a woman who just had
foot surgery to laser tag. She didn’t respond to his apologetic text.
“Oh,
girls love it when the chef cooks the food in front of them,” Jimmy winked. “It’s
catnip. Helped Alan close his deal last weekend. High five, bro!”
Ted had first met
Angela in the office elevator, just like a romantic comedy. She was a new
contract worker and projected an unrepentant sexuality. He was intimidated and
intrigued at the same time. Over the next week, they bonded over their love of
Judd Apatow movies in the break room. He asked her out. She said yes.
For the first time
since his divorce two years ago, he felt hopeful about romance again. Sure she’s a little younger; but this time
maybe it’ll work out.
Ted
picked her up around 7pm. Her face was flushed as she opened the door. She was
wearing a large T-shirt with the words “I’m the crazy aunt they warned you
about” in bold black letters and nothing else. Ted turned beet red.
“Hey
Angela. Uh, are you gonna change?”
Angela
wobbled as she tugged playfully at the hem of her T-shirt. “You want me to take
it off?”
Ted
thought of dead kittens, rotting corpses- anything that would keep his
embarrassment from reaching his pelvis. “Look, we have to get to Benihana’s.
The reservation is in, like, 15 minutes and I still have to find parking.”
He
looked at his wrist and realized he wasn’t wearing his watch.
“Awww,
do we have to go?” She pouted like a spoiled celebutante.
Beads
of sweat forming on his brow, Ted nodded as he stared at the 3 empty beer
bottles on the coffee table. “I really want to get there on time. Could you put
on something else? Please? I’m starving.” He couldn’t call off the date now; he
already had a reservation.
Angela
rolled her eyes, “Only kids in Africa are truly starving.” She turned away in a
huff and reappeared in a tight black dress. Ted sighed in relief.
She just pre-gamed for the date. No big
deal. Angela was 9 years younger than Ted. Of course, she was still working
out those post-college party years. Ted took her arm like a gentleman. She stumbled
on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant.
“Ugh. These heels
are killing me,” she whined.
Ted had faint
doubts that the heels were to blame.
They
got to Benihana’s and were greeted with a raised eyebrow from the hostess. She
led them to a table that already had six people seated around the large table
where the chef would be cooking “tepanyaki” for the group. Four of them were a
family celebrating their twin’s 7th birthday. The couple seated next
to them was a lanky white man and a Chinese woman who cocked her head and smiled.
Ted sat between her and Angela.
“Hey
Ted. Long time no see.” The woman said.
Ted
felt all of his blood drain to his asshole. “Oh hi, Lilly. How’s the foot?”
Lilly
smiled politely and said, “It’s good. Thanks for remembering. I’m still not up
to playing laser tag though. Maybe when I turn twelve years old again.”
Angela
guffawed. “He took your crippled ass to fucking laser tag?”
The
twins looked at their parents as if to say, What
does ‘fucking’ mean? And can we go play laser tag later? The parents stared
at Angela, mouths agape.
Lilly
looked over at Angela, “Yeah, this retard took me to laser tag after I told him I had foot surgery.”
Ted
didn’t feel like this was the time to point out that Lilly had shown up in a
foot brace after he had made
reservations for laser tag.
The
mother of the twins flinched, “I’m sorry, but please don’t use the ‘R’ word.
Their cousin has Down’s Syndrome.”
“Well,
their cousin is not half as retarded as this guy.” Lilly rolled her eyes and turned
to the chef, “Are we eating soon?”
The
chef wordlessly started tossing his utensils, cutting up vegetables and setting
things on fire while he prepared the steak, chicken and shrimp dinners.
“Oh my gawd! He’s
cutting it so fast! Chopchopchopchop!” Angela clapped her hands like a demented
seal.
Ted
hadn’t realized Angela had ordered 6 drinks in succession, until he noticed half
of her food untouched. Actually, he hadn’t said much to Angela at all. She had
been commenting loudly the whole evening, as if eating Japanese steak required
a play-by-play account. Ted became progressively engrossed in his meal.
“The steak was so
fucking good,” Angela draped her body on Ted’s left side, “I’m going to blow
you in the parking lot.”
The
parents of the twins took this as an omen to quickly sign their check and
finish the birthday festivities at Yogurtland next door.
Lilly and her date
got up to go.
“Ted, this was way
more entertaining than laser tag,” Lilly motioned towards Angela, “I’d give
them a helluva tip if I were you.”
Ted
suddenly noticed a palpable silence on his left side. Angela had folded her
arms and put her head down as if it was normal to nap at a Japanese restaurant.
He shook her
gently.
He shook her less
gently.
“Uhhh?”
Angela lifted her head and frowned. “Aw shit, I’m fucking done.”
She stumbled towards the bathroom.
All eyes in the restaurant followed her inevitable path to pray to the
porcelain gods. Ted sheepishly tipped the staff 30%.
Angela
reappeared. The vomit session restored some sobriety to a woman who had just offered
to perform fellatio in the parking lot as a gesture of gratitude for dinner at
Benihana’s.
“Ted,
I’m ready to go home now. Will you carry me?” She wobbled.
Ted
had no choice but to heave her like a sack of grain over his shoulder. It was
an unfortunate evening to realize that he should spend more time at the gym.
Outside, it had
started drizzling. He shuffled as fast as he could to his car and settled
Angela gently into the passenger seat. Ted felt his 37-year-old back spasm as
he tried to straighten up to walk to the driver’s side of the car. He was going
to need Percocet. Getting Angela home was all that stood between him and that
blessed pill.
“Well,
at least you can take a shower when you get in the door,” he said.
“Wait.
I’m sorry. So you’re not walking me
to my door?” her brow furrowed.
“Well,
if I walk you to the door, I’m going to get wet getting back into my car and
I’ll have to sit in my wet clothes for my 20 minute drive home.” In the history
of exit strategies, this was by far the lamest Ted had come up with.
“You
could always stay here.” She smiled hopefully.
“I
really need to go home.”
“Why
don’t you come in and wait for the rain to stop?”
“Um, it’s late.” Ted looked at
his right wrist. He still wasn’t wearing a watch. “And I have to go to work
tomorrow.”
“So
do I.” Angela leaned over further and put her hand on his thigh. “We can drive
there together.”
“I
have an early meeting.” Ted shifted towards the driver’s side door.
“I don’t mind getting to work
a little early.”
“What
I mean is- I really have to get there early.” Ted got a whiff of stale vomit.
“So
you don’t want to come in?” Angela
leaned away from Ted.
“No. I mean, yes. I have to go
home.” He closed his eyes for a moment.
“But
I just wanted you to walk me to my door.”
“Look,
I don’t think it’s fair that you get to walk in, take a shower and I have to
sit here in wet pants while I drive on the highway.” Ted waved his hand in front
of him as if to indicate an arduous journey. “Do you have any idea how
uncomfortable it is for a guy to drive in wet pants?”
“No,”
Angela folded her arms across her chest. “I had no idea wet pants were such a
big deal.”
“Yeah,
well. It is.” Ted adjusted his seatbelt. “See you tomorrow, OK?”
“Ugh,
whatever, Laser Tag.” She stepped out into the torrential downpour and entered
the building with a rush of anger that ricocheted the glass door back into her
leg. She yelped and kicked the glass door. It rattled against the frame, but
remained rebelliously intact.
Ted
gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, watched her enter the elevator and
exhaled.
