We had to use a certain type of "opener" to get our story going and to indicate what was to follow. I used one of my recent Facebook posts as the opener and came up with a story. It is absolutely NOT what my ex was like, but he did like his video games. 

I Messed With The Bull And Got The Horns

            My ex-boyfriend had ended our last conversation accusing me of being “angry, bitter and passive-aggressive”. Which I probably was. Because he was a dick. Five years later, I received a subpoena, which sent a lava floe of rage up my spine. I was being summoned to testify as a character witness regarding the civil case of “Byrne vs. Schoenstein”. It took me a few seconds to realize that “Schoenstein” was my dick ex-boyfriend, “Alan Schoenstein”. I hadn’t talked to him in years and now I was going to be dragged back into his life.

I was still angry I hadn’t broken up with him first when he told me I looked fat in my favorite dress. After a long day of counseling veterans, I had made that soul-sucking 90 min drive to his place multiple times a week. Then three years later, he broke up with me because I was “no longer worth the effort”. After that, we stopped all communication. I celebrated with a bottle of wine, a fistful of Xanax and a bag of chips.

            Now it appeared his ex-wife was suing him to get the house and sole custody of the children. Their divorce case was all over the local news showcasing his perfunctory “I am not a dick” statement against his ex-wife’s grisly deposition. There were photos of bruises on her thighs and neck, stories about being restrained against her will and his unwillingness to provide any relief when she was busy taking care of his mother who was recovering from hip surgery. One night while he was playing Epic Battle Fantasy 4, she asked him to help get his mother in bed.

            “It’s your fucking job,” he said, allegedly. “You’re a fucking nurse.”

            That part was probably true, given my experience with Alan.

Ironically, Alan happened to be a beloved high school math teacher who had taught in the county for almost two decades. The students took to him like goslings to a Father Goose. After the news broke, not only did their Emperor suddenly have no clothes on, he was being accused of choking his Empress. Still, I heard he took good care of his two kids. As God supposedly molded man in His image, Alan loved molding children in his.

            A week later, the process server showed up at work to give me the subpoena.

            That night, my psychiatrist gave me a refill on my Xanax.

The day of their hearing, my head buzzed with each step towards the courthouse. My hands were red from rubbing them together and my nails were sore from picking at them. The judge was sitting at the head of the table. On one side were Alan’s ex-wife, her lawyers and a court stenographer. On the other side, Alan sat next to his lawyer. His lawyer greeted me and motioned to the seat on the other side near the judge. Alan nodded in greeting. His ex-wife looked like she was in her late twenties and reminded me of my best friend.

They made me put my hand on a book, “ to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth” and asked about my history with Alan. It felt like a colonoscopy without anesthesia.

            Alan’s Lawyer/L: Did he ever force you to do anything you didn’t want to do?

            Me/M: No.

            L: Did he ever cause bruising or other injuries during your consensual activities?

            M: Yes.

            L: Did you pursue medical attention for the injuries?

            M: No.

            L: Did you ever see him threaten or be violent to a minor?

            M: No.

            L: Would you say he is good with kids?

            M: Yes.

            L: Do you think he would ever make a child feel unsafe?
            M: No.

            L: Did you ever feel unsafe when you were with him?

            For the first time during my testimony, Alan looked up at me. I didn’t move.

            M: No.

            I was humiliated and ashamed of myself, but I was never unsafe.

            It was the ex-wife’s lawyer’s turn to cross-examine me. I expected him to attack my credibility since I didn’t know the ex-wife and hadn’t talked to Alan in five years.

            EWL: Can you tell me about why you two broke up?

            M: He didn’t want to drive to my house because it was too much effort for him.

            EWL: Did he have any health issues that would keep him from doing so?

            M: No. I guess it stressed him out.

            EWL: But he expected you to go to his house multiple times a week?

            M: Yep.

            EWL: Did the 90 minutes sitting in rush hour traffic stress you out?

            M: Yep.

            EWL: Is the distance to your house different than the distance to his house?

            L: Irrelevant, Your Honor.

            Judge: This is a character witness telling us about his character. It’s relevant to me.

            EWL: Did he ever threaten to leave you?

M: Well, he said if I didn’t start wearing sexier clothing, he would stop thinking about me romantically. So basically, yeah.

If his shirt buttons could have melted with rage, Alan would have been covered in second-degree burns. I had already talked about the hand-cuffs; might as well talk about everything else.

            EWL: Why didn’t you leave him?
            M: The sex was good. Alan made me feel I was lucky anyone wanted me.

            My lack of self-esteem was now on public record along with anecdotes about our sexual proclivities.

Her lawyer knew that nothing I said was going to support the allegations of abuse, but at least I could corroborate the part about his controlling behavior. Being with Alan was like punching myself in the gut every day. But it was my own fault for messing with the bull and getting the horns. I was the one who thought I could change the bull into a kitten.